you don't create a title

bel_dolore @ 2008-09-24T12:42:00

2008-09-24T19:44:05Z

my pap test came back with abnormal cells all over the place.

i might have cervical cancer. i've gotta get a bioposy and most likely will have to get part of my cervex removed.

i just...

i'm just so tired of life beating me down. it's not fair.

bel_dolore @ 2008-09-22T08:27:00

2008-09-22T15:31:42Z

it just gets worse and worse and worse.

i really need surgery to get rid of my endometriosis. i'm tired of having to go to the hospital to get an iv of morphiene for a bit of pain relief. i'm sick of having to take 9 pills a day just to function somewhat adequately. I'm tired of the percocet to take away the pain, the cymbalta to make me happy, and the maxeran to keep me from throwing up somewhere between 2 and 11 times a day. i'm tired of missing work and school and not being able to just function because my body won't let me anymore.

i always wonder if this is god getting me back for all the bullshit i put my body through.

i just want my life back. i really really do.

i just need someone to do the surgery. or $15,000 so i can go to the states and get it.

bel_dolore @ 2008-08-23T05:01:00

2008-08-23T12:02:12Z

ow ow ow holy shit ow

bel_dolore @ 2008-08-21T03:35:00

2008-08-21T10:42:34Z

the endo is back. big time.

i'm sick about thirteen days a month now, sick meaning I'm not able to function the way a normal human being can. Every day I wake up feeling like puking, and most days I do. My doctor finally gave me a prescription for percocet (yes, I'm being very very careful), which takes out most of the pain but has the nasty effect of combing with my cymbalta to make me throw up, sometimes fifteen times a day. It's been bad to say the least. I'm still working as much as I can, trying to make some money. I'm living back at my mom's which is really nice 98% of the time. I'm trying to stay optimistic, keep my life going and my heart strong as long as I can, but it's so hard sometimes. There's days I just wake up and cry and pray to be back asleep where it doesn't hurt so much. It feels like a sledgehammer being thrown into me. I can't even begin to describe how terrible the pain is. But I have to keep fighting, have to keep searching. I'm trying acupunture now, which showed me a little relief. And I'm seeing my specialist on the 2nd, so hopefully that will bring something good...maybe another surgery?

sigh...

(also i bought a really sweet bong today)

bel_dolore @ 2008-07-07T09:40:00

2008-07-07T16:40:25Z

the endo is so bad right now i want to rip out my ovaries.

bel_dolore @ 2008-03-21T12:58:00

2008-03-21T19:58:42Z

i started on cymbalta.

i'm have the nausea from hell.

bel_dolore @ 2008-03-19T16:42:00

2008-03-19T23:43:10Z

my grandpa died last night at 1:30 a.m. montreal time.

r.i.p.

bel_dolore @ 2008-03-09T18:37:00

2008-03-10T01:43:13Z

i'm trying to live by the old rule of if you don't know, don't do anything. i'm really debating about checking myself in for awhile, trying to figure out everything that's going on and how to fix it, maybe try some medication. i'm sick of feeling like this all the time, but i'm afraid of just postponing the sadness, becuase i know it will come back.

a few months ago I was thinking that maybe all the stuff i went through in my teens was largely based on hormones, not a genetic fuck up. and i don't know if i believew any different, because as misreble as i used to be, i never really thought i fit the prototype for depression. i thought i had bits and pieces of it, but more or less it was a result of other things going on. for the first time, i feel like i'm the middle of a lengthy depression. i'm apathetic, i'm tired, i don't want to function, i just don't give a shit anymore, i have no appetite, i have no humor,i have no delight or happiness or fun.

i don't know...i know that it's probably the best thing for me right now, but i'm afraid of the consequences it will bring. i'm afraid that i'll be in there too long or too short or it won't be as helpful as i'm hoping. i don't know...i don't know...

bel_dolore @ 2008-03-06T23:10:00

2008-03-07T07:10:44Z

apparently nothing will kill me. i think i'm superwoman.

bel_dolore @ 2008-03-06T04:41:00

2008-03-06T12:42:54Z

sorry. i couldn't hold on anymore. i just took a bottle of pills and some ativan.

i wish you better luck than i had

bel_dolore @ 2008-02-27T05:27:00

2008-02-27T13:38:42Z

i'm going back to work tomorrow. well, today i guess since it's 5:30 in the morning. going back to work doesn't sound like such a big deal, but it is incredibly stress inducing on the simple fact that my job has pretty much everything to do with appearance. i work at earls, a chain of restaurants classified, i believe, as casual fine dining. in my city, 'earls girls' are renouned for being good looking. i've heard that customers refer to us as the place that has cold food, warm beer and hot chicks. and while yes, i should find this degrading, since it's kind of pushing back the feminist movement at all and appearance does seem to factor into hiring criteria, I acknowledge that I am considered attractive. Which means I exploit the shit out of it.

The difference between an ugly waitress and a good looking waitress is that a good looking waitress can be forgiven by drunken men a lot easier than the ugly waitress. I liken getting ready for work to getting ready for a job interview. Tight black pencil skirt or black mini, and a white sweater/tank/dress shirt that reveals a just enough of the tatas. foundation, eyeliner, mascara, lip gloss, eye shadow and eyebrow makeup is pretty much essential. the world, sadly enough, does thrive on appearance, and appearance is at least 50% of my job. and yes, when i'm looking good, i get much more 20% tips than I do when I look decent.

So I'm primping right now since I can't sleep. Hair done just so, facial mask, every piece of hair that shouldn't be there is plucked or shaved.

And yes, my therapist has brought up the question, many times. The question being, as someone with a history of anorexia as well as current self esteem issues and a low tolerance for stress be working in a fast-paced job that relies primarily on looks?

And my answer is always the same. The money is too damn good. I can bank $100 a night without really trying. And with one year of college, and a lifestyle that involves many late nights, and getting shitfaced on a tuesday night, there aren't that many jobs that can offer me the luxuries of this one.

bel_dolore @ 2008-02-18T08:10:00

2008-02-18T16:20:25Z

Chris went out with his friends two nights ago, since one of them is going backpacking around europe for two months. That night, the guys were walking around downtown and saw a prostitute and decided to buy the guy that's going away some 'company.' They paid for it, and convinced him into going with the prostitiute. He had anal with her, and texted Chris later saying "thanks for convincing me into it. it was amazing, she took it all."

I have no problem with porn.
I have no problem with strip clubs.
But I'm incredibly disturbed by this.

I don't know if I'm over-reacting or what, but to me Chris engaging in any part of this just changes so many things for me. It raises so many questions about our sex life when we were together, and occasional hook-ups we have now. All I can think of is that poor girl who has to do this for a living and how Chris and his friends (to me anyways) took advantage of someone who is in a terrible situation. It seems so incredibly degrading and objectifing to me. I'm not even that mad at him as a person, i feel mad at him for all of womankind if that makes any sense. The more i think about it, the more I feel like I've been taken advantage of, that how do I know that I'm anything more than just a body with a pussy?

I've tended not to believe all the things that are sterotypical of men, that they're pigs and disgusting and that all they are after is sex. But after finding out about this disturbing scenario, it's making me believe it.

Because when it comes down to it, how am I any different from this girl? I always let Chris do pretty much anything he wanted in our sex life. The only diference is that I didn't get paid. I feel like a piece of meat, that maybe that's all I was.

bel_dolore @ 2008-02-04T23:46:00

2008-02-05T07:47:59Z

saw the neurologist today. they might admit me for three days so they can do a video EEG to find out why my brain is fucking up like this.

not feeling any better. only worse.

also: i hate having to depend on other people for everything. I MISS DRIVING.

bel_dolore @ 2008-02-03T22:25:00

2008-02-04T06:26:19Z

now on doctor's orders to not work.

i passed out at work yesterday and had two seizures. they called an ambulance, had a few more seizures.

can't work, drive, or take bathes. life kinda sucks right now.

and my head is KILLING me

bel_dolore @ 2008-02-02T05:04:00

2008-02-02T13:26:20Z

on tuesday my left arm started to jerk around randomly. i figured it had something to do with the chloride hydrate they gave me for my EEG on Monday. i don't remember a large period of tuesday night.

on wednesday, i woke up around 3 p.m. Around four, I was getting ready and collapsed. At five I went to work. At seven, I started to feel spacy and out of it. My arm has continued to switch every few minutes for the past hour. . at seven thirty I felt a rush of heat go through my body and got someone to watch my tables.

i got a cigarette and a lighter. walked out to the recieving area so i could get some air. and my arm starts twitching again. Next thing I know, I'm on the ground, waking up, feeling tired and disoriented. i went back to work anyways. left work at eight.

at 12:30 a.m., I have another seizure. I'm sleeping at the time, and my ex is beside me because he's been taking care of me for the last little while. Chris isn't sleeping and tells me that it definatley was a seizure. My body completely jerked around for about 15 seconds, stopped and then collapsed. Became extraordinarily tired.

at 3:30 a.m., I have another seizure.

at 6 we go to sleep.

We wake up at 11:45. I call work and tell them that I can't come in today. I'm feeling spacey, I say. I was having seizures all last night.

At 12:30 I launch into another grand mal seizure. During this one, i have laboured breathing prior to it begining. I seizure, and have trouble breathing afterwards. I don't recover from this one as quickly. The seizure itself lasted about 30 seconds, but I wasn't alert until about two hours later.

By then, I was sitting in the ER waiting for a room. I had another seizure while I was out of it, although this one was fairly small compared to the others.

We see the triage nurse, he tells us to alert him if I have any more.

Around 3:30, I have another grand mal. My arm starts twitching, like usual, and then the rest of my body follows suit. I can't breathe while it's happening, on after. When I wake up, I don't know where I am. I can remember hearing Chris yelling for a nurse, and someone else yelling, :She's having a seizure!" Next thing I know, I'm on a stretcher being wheeled into a room. They put electrodes on me and stick a Saline Solution drip on me with the help of an IV. Later they do CT scans and blood tests. The only EEG that they've had results from have come back so far, has come back normal. Everything else comes back normal.

Around seven they stuck me on an IV drip of an anti-seizure medication. The neurologists comes shortly thereafter. Tests my reflexes, looks into the back of my eyes, etc. Pokes me with a pin on both sides of my leg, up and down it, and I can barely feel it in my left leg (btw, the arm that always twitches, as it happens, is always the left arm). He leaves.

Comes back. Triggers a seizure in me by getting me to visual the aura that I get before the seizures while hyperventilating. I seize, pretty much the worst I've ever had. I jerk, kick, drool, and scream during this one. I don't remember much from it. He gives me a prescription for the anti-seizure medication, tells me to make an appointment with his office for monday, and says he'll refer me to a epilpesy doctor within the next two weeks, (coincedentially, this is also the same doctor that my ex's sister goes to for her epilepsy).

all in all, they have no idea what's causing the seizures.

i had three more seizures at work tonight, all within 15 minutes.

bel_dolore @ 2008-01-31T23:13:00

2008-02-01T07:14:21Z

i just spent eight hours in the e.r. for having seven full blown seizures within a twenty-four hour period.

bel_dolore @ 2008-01-23T05:51:00

2008-01-23T14:28:43Z

i have laid on a mattress on my apartment floor for pretty much the past three weeks, with occasional getting out of my make-shift bed to buy a pack of cigarettes, or to open the door for someone who's coming over or to grab a bite to eat. at times, i chose my bedroom closet over the mattress in the living room, exclaiming that it's safe in there, that 'they' won't get me.

i've spent a large amount of my life and a large amount of time trying to be someone else, on the basis that I'm certainly not my biggest fan. i'm quiet, i'm irrational, i just don't fit in. my mind has broke dozens of times and my persistence will get me to step one but never any further. silence scares me. i venture back and forth between cocky and self-depreciating.

i've chased diets, i've chased vodka with vodka, i've chased an escape through countless nights of smoking weed, i've chased dreams i didn't have. and at the end of all this running i've realized i stop and take breaks along the way, never fully accomplishing the things i set out to do. in the end, all i really want is to be a different person, someone who can talk with ease and without doubt, someone who can cope and deal with every day stressors without running to the scale to see how well i'm doing, someone who can make friends without ruining the chances for friendship with a flippant attitude or a desperate clutch.

my mind broke several times in the past few weeks. i started hallucinating at the beginning of this, and it hasn't stop judging from three hours ago when i was convinced some sort of monster was lurking behind my kitchen countertop and now i'm not sure how i'm supposed to go to bed when I don't remember much of that time. it's 6 a.m., but i feel like i've had a full nights sleep, when i obviously haven't judging from the text messages i sent and the facebook posts and the msn conversations i've had during this time. i can't imagine how frightening it must be to see these messages on your screen:
Me says:
THEY ARE IN HERE NOW CHRIS
Me says:
THEY ARE MAKING SOUNDS ALL OVER MY HOUSE
Me says:
THEY ARE HIDING IN THE KITCHEN AND I CAN'T MOVE AND I CAN'T CALL 911
Me says:
IF THEY KILL ME IT'S COMPLETELY YOUR FAULT FOR GIVING THEM THE KEY

right now my mind seems perfectly split on whether or not I should waste time until i fall asleep, or go grab a bottle of pills and finish it off. there are times when it's too hard to distinguish if the sign you've been asking for is it simply feeling like the right time to do it. i'm continually disappointed in myself, and i'm continually disappointed in the way i've decided to act.

i'm supposed to go for an EEG on friday and on monday to see if these hallucinations have been mental issues or seizures. i'm sick of this feeling that i'm being continually pushed down by whatever fates are out there. maybe there is a certain point that it should just end. i'm entirely calm right now, partially sedated by the ativan i took earlier so i could stop hearing and seeing things.

what do i have in the house?
one .5 mg of ativan - won't do shit
tyenol extra-strength and tyenol 3's - won't do anything except kill my liver
gravol
seroquel
risperidone
buscopan
benylin
naproxen

i don't know if any of it will do what i want it to or just make me sleep.

i guess that's what the internet is for. decisions.

bel_dolore @ 2007-12-21T04:22:00

2007-12-21T12:23:34Z

i think i'm not eating again.
i'm not really sure though. how do you know when you get sick again?

it's not constantly on my mind, plaguing every minute of every day.

but i don't eat anymore.

i've dropped 25 pounds since september. i'd like to lose another 15.

endometriosis is back. this should be fun.

bel_dolore @ 2007-12-10T03:12:00

2007-12-10T11:18:28Z

i want to find out how long you believed in santa
i want to know what your favorite book is
i want to know the most romantic thing you've ever done

how you learned to ride a bike
what your happiest memory is
what the the biggest tragedy of your life was
how many times you've been in love

i want to find out how you dance
i want to find out if you're kinky
i want to find out if you have the same sick sense of humor that i do

i want you to meet my mom
and andrea
and michael
and maybe my brother

i want to be comfortable with your friends
i want to be friendly with your family
i want to slow dance in the middle of the living room on a tuesday for no reason
i want to celebrate something random with you
i want to be able to reveal every secret to you, one at a time over a long time

i never want to be taken advantage of
i never want to be hurt
i never want to remember something awful you said over and over
i never want to place expectations or ultimatiums again
i never want to make the same mistakes
i never want to be with someone that makes it easy for me to make the same mistakes

i need you to understand i'm broken in a lot of way
i need you to know that i can be intense and melodramatic
i need you to still like me when i'm sad
i need you to still tell me i'm beautiful when i'm not and really mean it

i just want to know i'm not crazy for feeling like this this fast.

bel_dolore @ 2007-11-25T01:34:00

2007-11-25T09:46:57Z

it's funny that even after knowing that it's good that the past two and half years are really behind me, it doesn't stop me from feeling a sense of failure. I know it's not my fault, and yet I have a resounding sense that it is. I don't know if it's so programmed into me at this point, or that I'm just looking for any reason right now that I'm not a good person or whatever but I just want to get rid of this feeling because it's terrible and it never stops at one thing.

I gave my all to him. Absolutely everything. My heart, my soul, my self-esteem, my money, my secrets, my entire being. and I got so little in return. And I'm beating myself up over it for not seeing it earlier, or not staying in the same 'liberated' sense that I did. I'm scared that the new boy is going to end up doing the same thing, not because he's like that (a good friend of mine has known him for the past five years and assures me everything will turn out wonderfully), but I'm afraid that I make it too easy for others to take advantage of me because I give everything to post-pone rejection and abandonment. I wish that for once instead of being so observant and analytical of myself I could just let go and not notice, or actually do something to apply change. But I catch myself making the same mistakes again, expecting the same disappointments and running after things I don't have to run after yet.

The new boy, (who will from now on out will be referred to as B) is pretty much the sweetest thing ever. The first time I met him we stayed up until 5 a.m. talking about literature and books and everything else. The next time we met we stayed up until 6 a.m. talking about everything from abortion to serving to death to eating disorders. He thinks I'm insanely smart (which is the one thing I like hearing about myself the most but no one ever notices) and loves the fact that I read and have an extensive vocabulary. We can talk about Donne as easily as we can talk about Super Mario. He's weird just like me, and seems like he's already infatuated with me.

I just don't want to make the same mistakes. I want it to work this time, I don't want to look into the future, I don't want to get disappointed if he can't see me one night, i don't want to get jealous when I hear that he's hung out with a friend who happens to be a girl, I don't want to make excuses for him, I don't want to trap myself into something and most of all I don't want to be so deluded that I can't see someone is treating me like shit.

I want to focus more on work, and building a career and going to school and eating healthy and gaining friendships and having fun. Not just boys.

bel_dolore @ 2007-11-24T00:52:00

2007-11-24T08:52:59Z

chris and i are offically 100% done.

on to my next boy

sad face

2007-10-18T10:48:39Z

October 10th
See Dr. F, Gastroentronologist. Asks for reasoning why I’ve gotten appointment, quickly places a finger in my rectum and asks me if I’m crying ‘because it hurts or because you’re upset.’ It was of course, because it hurts
Cannot see a fissure. Cannot see anything else. Gives me a prescription for a stool softener and a numbing gel. I tell him I’ve tried in taking more fiber and using fibresure. Tells me that the stool softener is prescription. It’s over the counter as I find out from the pharmacy later on.
Diagnosis is an anal fissure and IBS
I ask if it could be endometriosis of the bowel. He says it’s a possibility, but won’t do any further investigation into this.
Tells me that my stool is hard and that its probably aggravating the fissure which is causing bleeding. I ask if blood being marbled in with the stool is typical of fissures. He says it’s not.
Tells me that he feels that I should take stool softeners for a month and see him if it doesn’t improve. To be perfectly honest, I’ve made changes to encorparate fiber and softer stools and it’s made no difference. I’ve been bleeding and in severe pain for almost four months now. I can’t wait another month to see if a stool softener works for a problem that doesn’t match the symptoms.
I’m told that when I’m ‘less stressed the problem will go away.’
After leaving the office I call my family doctor and book an appointment for the next day.

October 11th
I ask my family doctor if he can schedule a colonoscopy and/or MRI (since hearing that if it is endometriosis of the bowel, it won’t be visible in a colonoscopy unless it’s penetrated the bowel). He tells me only a specialist can schedule one and to make another appointment with Dr. F. Also suggests possibly seeking a second opinion.
I call to make an appointment with Dr. F and the receptionist refuses to book an appointment with me for at least a month, since he had told me to take stool softeners for a month. Tells in a raised voice that my problem is just a hard stool and that it’s the only reason I’m bleed.

October 15th
Went to the bathroom around 3:30. Not very painful. Felt finished. Started to get up and realized I wasn’t finished. Only blood came out. Most blood I’ve ever passed. The entire bowl was filled will blood, completely unrecognizable as water. Darker blood, and on the toilet paper there was black tarry stool. Would estimate 1-2 cups of blood.
Called nurses line and was told that a bowel movement of mostly or all blood is a medical emergency and to head to the nearest E.R. I let her know I’ve been to Richmond General three times already and a GI and nothing has been done. Suggests going to a different hospital. The nurse tells me a colonoscopy should have already been scheduled, and apologizes several times for the lack of help I’ve been receiving. Suggests using a hat in the toilet to collect the blood so I will be taken more seriously. She tells me that it’s most likely because I’m young and GI diseases don’t typically occur in people my age, but it is a possibility and that amount of blood should definitely been investigated.
Went to the E.R. at VGH. Was told it was probably just a few drops of blood that colored the water (for the record, I’d like to state that I could feel blood and only blood coming out at a certain point. I’ve had a few drops of blood before and it has looked nothing like that. I was passing blood during that bowel movement more than I was passing feces)
Told, once again, that it’s a fissure although the timeline and symptoms don’t match that of a fissure. Blood test and postural blood pressure is done. My hemoglobin is normal and my blood pressure slightly elevates when I stand up. A rectal exam is done by looking at my anus. No insertion. My stomach is also felt and I express that it hurts when being pressed in the middle left side.
I am told to go home because ‘there are other people who have severe bleeding from the GI tract and they actually need our help.’ I am given a prescription for an antibiotic steriodal cream and told very condescendingly that ‘any pharmacy in the city can fill this.’ Thank you, I wasn’t aware that pharmacies doled out prescriptions.
When ask how long a fissure usually takes to heal, the doctor tells me two weeks to a month. When I mention (again) that this has been going on for four months he tells me it’s probably just a severe case.

October 16th
Had one bowel movement. Painful, but no blood. (yay!)
Had to leave work early due to my stomach seizing up. Could barely walk when I got out of my car to go into my house.
Bowel movement stopped cramping.
Ate grilled cheese sandwich, chicken fries and onion rings at burger king, coffee
My (ex?)boyfriend’s father offers the name of a GI he knows so I can get in a little faster and get the help I’ve been asking and searching for.

October 17th
Had two bowel movements. One with blood and painful, one without blood and painful.
Bowel movement with blood had very little in comparision to usual. Just a bit of bright red blood mixed in with my stool.
Had bad stomach cramping today. Started around 12:30 p.m. or so, just like yesterday.
Unlike yesterday, bowel movement wasn’t coming. Have taken three doses of buscopan (3:30 p.m., 9 p.m., 3 a.m.) to deal with cramping.
Took two capsules of stool softeners at 3 p.m. Had taken a short break from stool softeners because cramping was waking me up at night and more blood was coming out when I took them.
Ate 4 perogies with ketchup, spinach and feta dip, coffee and nugget meal
Not much of an appetite today.
Went to my family doctor today and asked him to refer me to Dr. A, who Chris’s dad knows and can get me an appointment much sooner.
As of right now I’m incredibly frustrated with the way my medical problem is not being taken seriously.

I’ve been passing stools with blood that started with a little blood on the toilet paper and has now turned into bowel movements of only blood. I started with a little bit of pain during bowel movements that has turned into not being able to stop from howling and screaming in pain when I go to the bathroom. My stools are marbled with blood, often irregularly shaped and at times the width of a pop can. Stool softeners have helped in the stool passing faster and with slightly less pain, but have increased cramping and the amount of blood. I’ve laid on the floor after going to the bathroom because I’m in so much pain and so dizzy and devoid of energy that I can’t walk ten feet to my couch. I’ve crawled onto my couch ten minutes later and couldn’t move for half an hour because I was so out of it and so dizzy. I’ve gone to the emergency room four times, a gastroentronologist and my family doctor countless time. I’ve spent hundreds on medication that has done nothing, made it worse, or changed it from completely unbearable to unbearable. I’ve been told that I might have IBS and a fissure. I’ve been told it’s only a hemorrhoid. I’ve been told it’s a hemorrhoid and a fissure. I’ve been told I might have Chrohn’s disease. I’ve been told it’s nothing, and that my pain isn’t severe and that I’m exaggerating about the amount of blood. In this time, in four months of being bloody and in pain, all I’ve received is my temperature taken, blood tests, urine tests, blood tests and a rectal exam.

All I’m asking for at this point is someone who will take it more serious than it is, rather than assuming it’s a problem that doesn’t match the symptoms and can’t be seen. I realize that I’m young, I realize that it may in fact only be a fissure. But I’ve exercised all my options at this point, and I’ve tried everything that has been suggested. I’ve invested a lot of time, energy and pain into finding out exactly what the problem is and no one has told me anything that seems plausible. I’ve been dealing with this for four months now, and I’ve seen it gradually getting worse. What worried me enough for me to go to the ER the first time, seems like nothing to me now. Each time I go, it’s because I know that I shouldn’t be passing that amount of blood, and each time I’ve gone it’s been more and more. I don’t want this to be at a point when passing two cups of blood seems like nothing.

All I’m asking for is help. If you don’t think I need a colonoscopy or a sigmoidoscopy or any other tests, I understand. But please tell me that I was wrong in asking for it after I’ve had the tests done rather than refusing treatment to me when I have no options left. I have two chances left here: Dr. S at Children’s, and Dr. A at St. Pauls. Please, for the love of God, indulge me and do some more comprehensive tests. I can no longer manage this level of pain and stress in my life. Please, give me some faith back into the medical community, because I no longer know when it's 'bad enough' to warrant treatment.

bel_dolore @ 2007-10-14T00:55:00

2007-10-14T08:08:02Z

so i've figured out a few things lately.

one's strictly a theory i read a few days ago that is compelling and every day seems to prove it a little bit more. I won't be able to describe this well at all, but basically there was a study done awhile ago that showed that women who were in anorexia recovery (no relapse in over a year, at a healthy weight), had higher levels of dopamine in the brain, while the controls had normal levels. Scientists are still trying to put it all together, but it's theorized that people with a biological predisposition to anorexia have such an elevated level of dopamine that activities that raise dopamine don't actually feel pleasurable to them, because of a sensory overload. Which explains why anorexics prefer numbness, rather than overexcitment.

I also figured out today that a lot of my problems and self-conscious conceptions stem from anxiety. I was prescribed ativan awhile ago and find that everything is the same except i have no worry, no doubts and no crazy levels of stress. So maybe, if I focus therapy on reducing or elimnating anxiety I can carry on in life like anyone else. That I'll be able to meet people and maintain friendships and relationships.

Another thing I've realized is that I reject critism and adversity so harshly that I remove people out of my life completely. Maybe it's related to my perfectionism and that the second that someone critizes me, or says something against what I believe to be the right way of doing things, I can't deal with being wrong or someone thinking that I'm wrong, so I place the wrongness on them, rather than realizing I made a mistake or that opinions can be different.

sexy readings. ah, literacy.

bel_dolore @ 2007-09-27T19:17:00

2007-09-28T02:23:24Z

i'm sick of life right now.

i'm bleeding a lot every time I go to the bathroom. More and more each time. I'v been to the e.r. twice and they won't do anything about it. I'm in excruciating pain each time, and all I'm told is, 'wait and see what the gastro-intrenologist says.

Chris and I broke up about a month ago. He moved out. I'm going crazy. I'm in tears the second I'm alone. I'm trying not to cry right now because I have to go to celebrities, a gay club, and watch one of my friends in a burlesque show that her dance group is putting on.

I'm broke. I'm trying to manage $1000 rent on my own.

I'm falling apart. I don't know how much longer I'll be able to keep it up.

I cut myself for the first time in years a week or two ago. A couple people know. No one knows that I took a couple tranquilzers that night and tried to fall asleep in the bathtub to drown myself.

I don't think I'll be around much longer. I can't take life like this. It's too hard. It's too exhausting. I'm sick of hurting like this all the time. One more thing and I'm gone.

bel_dolore @ 2007-08-09T22:07:00

2007-08-10T05:08:32Z

i don't mean to be mad at him right now.

i'm just so mad with myself right now that i want to push him away