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i'm trying to live by the old rule of if you don't know, don't do anything. i'm really debating about checking myself in for awhile, trying to figure out everything that's going on and how to fix it, maybe try some medication. i'm sick of feeling like this all the time, but i'm afraid of just postponing the sadness, becuase i know it will come back.

a few months ago I was thinking that maybe all the stuff i went through in my teens was largely based on hormones, not a genetic fuck up. and i don't know if i believew any different, because as misreble as i used to be, i never really thought i fit the prototype for depression. i thought i had bits and pieces of it, but more or less it was a result of other things going on. for the first time, i feel like i'm the middle of a lengthy depression. i'm apathetic, i'm tired, i don't want to function, i just don't give a shit anymore, i have no appetite, i have no humor,i have no delight or happiness or fun.

i don't know...i know that it's probably the best thing for me right now, but i'm afraid of the consequences it will bring. i'm afraid that i'll be in there too long or too short or it won't be as helpful as i'm hoping. i don't know...i don't know...  


for awhile i thought that my teen years were hormonal as well.
until last year, when i ended up with forty stitches holding my wrists together... and all these legal problems that i'm still trying to sort out.

i think you know what you should do, at least TRY to take care of things before they get worse. if all else fails, you can at least know that you TRIED.
You have a few options...

You could try out patient treatment.

You could try inpatient treatment.

You could keep doing what you're doing.

... you already know where the last road will take you. It really isn't an option. So, decide. Inpatient or outpatient. Either way, you've got to do SOMETHING.

I understand. I went through depression cycles, too. I told myself that treatment couldn't possibly help me. Then I thought that maybe I wasn't sick enough to need it. That was it. I convinced myself I was fine, and after a while I was. I felt fine. Not good, but okay... until I crashed and the depression became too debilitating. I COULDN'T reach out.

You know that cycle, and right now you have the best opportunity to get help. You SEE your problem, you see your options, now go do it. I'd rather miss hearing your updates for a few weeks or months than to suddenly stop seeing them ever again. Please, choose a path.

September 2008

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