you don't create a title

my pap test came back with abnormal cells all over the place.

i might have cervical cancer. i've gotta get a bioposy and most likely will have to get part of my cervex removed.

i just...

i'm just so tired of life beating me down. it's not fair.

it just gets worse and worse and worse.

i really need surgery to get rid of my endometriosis. i'm tired of having to go to the hospital to get an iv of morphiene for a bit of pain relief. i'm sick of having to take 9 pills a day just to function somewhat adequately. I'm tired of the percocet to take away the pain, the cymbalta to make me happy, and the maxeran to keep me from throwing up somewhere between 2 and   11 times a day. i'm tired of missing work and school and not being able to just function because my body won't let me anymore.

i always wonder if this is god getting me back for all the bullshit i put my body through.

i just want my life back. i really really do.

i just need someone to do the surgery. or $15,000 so i can go to the states and get it.

ow ow ow holy shit ow

the endo is back. big time.

i'm sick about thirteen days a month now, sick meaning I'm not able to function the way a normal human being can. Every day I wake up feeling like puking, and most days I do. My doctor finally gave me a prescription for percocet (yes, I'm being very very careful), which takes out most of the pain but has the nasty effect of combing with my cymbalta to make me throw up, sometimes fifteen times a day. It's been bad to say the least. I'm still working as much as I can, trying to make some money. I'm living back at my mom's which is really nice 98% of the time. I'm trying to stay optimistic, keep my life going and my heart strong as long as I can, but it's so hard sometimes. There's days I just wake up and cry and pray to be back asleep where it doesn't hurt so much. It feels like a sledgehammer being thrown into me. I can't even begin to describe how terrible the pain is. But I have to keep fighting, have to keep searching. I'm trying acupunture now, which showed me a little relief. And I'm seeing my specialist on the 2nd, so hopefully that will bring something good...maybe another surgery?

sigh...

(also i bought a really sweet bong today)

the endo is so bad right now i want to rip out my ovaries. 

i started on cymbalta.

i'm have the nausea from hell.   

my grandpa died last night at 1:30 a.m. montreal time.

r.i.p.

i'm trying to live by the old rule of if you don't know, don't do anything. i'm really debating about checking myself in for awhile, trying to figure out everything that's going on and how to fix it, maybe try some medication. i'm sick of feeling like this all the time, but i'm afraid of just postponing the sadness, becuase i know it will come back.

a few months ago I was thinking that maybe all the stuff i went through in my teens was largely based on hormones, not a genetic fuck up. and i don't know if i believew any different, because as misreble as i used to be, i never really thought i fit the prototype for depression. i thought i had bits and pieces of it, but more or less it was a result of other things going on. for the first time, i feel like i'm the middle of a lengthy depression. i'm apathetic, i'm tired, i don't want to function, i just don't give a shit anymore, i have no appetite, i have no humor,i have no delight or happiness or fun.

i don't know...i know that it's probably the best thing for me right now, but i'm afraid of the consequences it will bring. i'm afraid that i'll be in there too long or too short or it won't be as helpful as i'm hoping. i don't know...i don't know...  

apparently nothing will kill me. i think i'm superwoman. 

sorry. i couldn't hold on anymore. i just took a bottle of pills and some ativan.

i wish you better luck than i had

i'm going back to work tomorrow. well, today i guess since it's 5:30 in the morning. going back to work doesn't sound like such a big deal, but it is incredibly stress inducing on the simple fact that my job has pretty much everything to do with appearance. i work at earls, a chain of restaurants classified, i believe, as casual fine dining. in my city, 'earls girls' are renouned for being good looking. i've heard that customers refer to us as the place that has cold food, warm beer and hot chicks. and while yes, i should find this degrading, since it's kind of pushing back the feminist movement at all and appearance does seem to factor into hiring criteria, I acknowledge that I am considered attractive. Which means I exploit the shit out of it.

The difference between an ugly waitress and a good looking waitress is that a good looking waitress can be forgiven by drunken men a lot easier than the ugly waitress. I liken getting ready for work to getting ready for a job interview. Tight black pencil skirt or black mini, and a white sweater/tank/dress shirt that reveals a just enough of the tatas. foundation, eyeliner, mascara, lip gloss, eye shadow and eyebrow makeup is pretty much essential. the world, sadly enough, does thrive on appearance, and appearance is at least 50% of my job. and yes, when i'm looking good, i get much more 20% tips than I do when I look decent.

So I'm primping right now since I can't sleep. Hair done just so, facial mask, every piece of hair that shouldn't be there is plucked or shaved.

And yes, my therapist has brought up the question, many times. The question being, as someone with a history of anorexia as well as current self esteem issues and a low tolerance for stress be working in a fast-paced job that relies primarily on looks?

And my answer is always the same. The money is too damn good.   I can bank $100 a night without really trying. And with one year of college, and a lifestyle that involves many late nights, and getting shitfaced on a tuesday night, there aren't that many jobs that can offer me the luxuries of this one.

Chris went out with his friends two nights ago, since one of them is going backpacking around europe for two months. That night, the guys were walking around downtown and saw a prostitute and decided to buy the guy that's going away some 'company.' They paid for it, and convinced him into going with the prostitiute. He had anal with her, and texted Chris later saying "thanks for convincing me into it. it was amazing, she took it all."

I have no problem with porn.
I have no problem with strip clubs.
But I'm incredibly disturbed by this.

I don't know if I'm over-reacting or what, but to me Chris engaging in any part of this just changes so many things for me. It raises so many questions about our sex life when we were together, and occasional hook-ups we have now. All I can think of is that poor girl who has to do this for a living and how Chris and his friends (to me anyways) took advantage of someone who is in a terrible situation. It seems so incredibly degrading and objectifing to me. I'm not even that mad at him as a person, i feel mad at him for all of womankind if that makes any sense. The more i think about it, the more I feel like I've been taken advantage of, that how do I know that I'm anything more than just a body with a pussy?

I've tended not to believe all the things that are sterotypical of men, that they're pigs and disgusting and that all they are after is sex. But after finding out about this disturbing scenario, it's making me believe it.

Because when it comes down to it, how am I any different from this girl? I always let Chris do pretty much anything he wanted in our sex life. The only diference is that I didn't get paid. I feel like a piece of meat, that maybe that's all I was.

saw the neurologist today. they might admit me for three days so they can do a video EEG to find out why my brain is fucking up like this.

not feeling any better. only worse.

also: i hate having to depend on other people for everything. I MISS DRIVING.   

now on doctor's orders to not work.

i passed out at work yesterday and had two seizures. they called an ambulance, had a few more seizures.

can't work, drive, or take bathes. life kinda sucks right now.

and my head is KILLING me  

on tuesday my left arm started to jerk around randomly. i figured it had something to do with the chloride hydrate they gave me for my EEG on Monday. i don't remember a large period of tuesday night.

on wednesday, i woke up around 3 p.m. Around four, I was getting ready and collapsed. At five I went to work. At seven,  I started to feel spacy and out of it. My arm has continued to switch every few minutes for the past hour. . at  seven thirty I felt a rush of heat go through my body and got someone to watch my tables.

i got a cigarette and a lighter. walked out to the recieving area so i could get some air. and my arm starts twitching again. Next thing I know, I'm on the ground, waking up, feeling tired and disoriented. i went back to work anyways. left work at eight.

at 12:30 a.m., I have another seizure. I'm sleeping at the time, and my ex is beside me because he's been taking care of me for the last little while. Chris isn't sleeping and tells me that it definatley was a seizure. My body completely jerked around for about 15 seconds, stopped and then collapsed. Became extraordinarily tired.

at 3:30 a.m., I have another seizure.

at 6 we go to sleep.

We wake up at 11:45. I call work and tell them that I can't come in today. I'm feeling spacey, I say. I was having seizures all last night.

At 12:30 I launch into another grand mal seizure. During this one, i have laboured breathing prior to it begining. I seizure, and have trouble breathing afterwards. I don't recover from this one as quickly. The seizure itself lasted about 30 seconds, but I wasn't alert until about two hours later.

By then, I was sitting in the ER waiting for a room. I had another seizure while I was out of it, although this one was fairly small compared to the others.

We see the triage nurse, he tells us to alert him if I have any more.

Around 3:30, I have another grand mal. My arm starts twitching, like usual, and then the rest of my body follows suit. I can't breathe while it's happening, on after. When I wake up, I don't know where I am. I can remember hearing Chris yelling for a nurse, and someone else yelling, :She's having a seizure!" Next thing I know, I'm on a stretcher being wheeled into a room. They put electrodes on me and stick a Saline Solution drip on me with the help of an IV. Later they do CT scans and blood tests. The only EEG that they've had results from have come back so far, has come back normal. Everything else comes back normal.

Around seven they stuck me on an IV drip of an anti-seizure medication. The neurologists comes shortly thereafter. Tests my reflexes, looks into the back of my eyes, etc. Pokes me with a pin on both sides of my leg, up and down it, and I can barely feel it in my left leg (btw, the arm that always twitches, as it happens, is always the left arm). He leaves.

Comes back. Triggers a seizure in me by getting me to visual the aura that I get before the seizures while hyperventilating. I seize, pretty much the worst I've ever had. I jerk, kick, drool, and scream during this one. I don't remember much from it. He gives me a prescription for the anti-seizure medication, tells me to make an appointment with his office for monday, and says he'll refer me to a epilpesy doctor within the next two weeks, (coincedentially, this is also the same doctor that my ex's sister goes to for her epilepsy).

all in all, they have no idea what's causing the seizures.

i had three more seizures at work tonight, all within 15 minutes.

i just spent eight hours in the e.r. for having seven full blown seizures within a twenty-four hour period.

i have laid on a mattress on my apartment floor for pretty much the past three weeks, with occasional getting out of my make-shift bed to buy a pack of cigarettes, or to open the door for someone who's coming over or to grab a bite to eat. at times, i chose my bedroom closet over the mattress in the living room, exclaiming that it's safe in there, that 'they' won't get me.

i've spent a large amount of my life and a large amount of time trying to be someone else, on the basis that I'm certainly not my biggest fan. i'm quiet, i'm irrational, i just don't fit in. my mind has broke dozens of times and my persistence will get me to step one but never any further. silence scares me. i venture back and forth between cocky and self-depreciating.

i've chased diets, i've chased vodka with vodka, i've chased an escape through countless nights of smoking weed, i've chased dreams i didn't have. and at the end of all this running i've realized i stop and take breaks along the way, never fully accomplishing the things i set out to do. in the end, all i really want is to be a different person, someone who can talk with ease and without doubt, someone who can cope and deal with every day stressors without running to the scale to see how well i'm doing, someone who can make friends without ruining the chances for friendship with a flippant attitude or a desperate clutch.

my mind broke several times in the past few weeks. i started hallucinating at the beginning of this, and it hasn't stop judging from three hours ago when i was convinced some sort of monster was lurking behind my kitchen countertop and now i'm not sure how i'm supposed to go to bed when I don't remember much of that time. it's 6 a.m., but i feel like i've had a full nights sleep, when i obviously haven't judging from the text messages i sent and the facebook posts and the msn conversations i've had during this time. i can't imagine how frightening it must be to see these messages on your screen:
Me says:
THEY ARE IN HERE NOW CHRIS
Me says:
THEY ARE MAKING SOUNDS ALL OVER MY HOUSE
Me says:
THEY ARE HIDING IN THE KITCHEN AND I CAN'T MOVE AND I CAN'T CALL 911
Me says:
IF THEY KILL ME IT'S COMPLETELY YOUR FAULT FOR GIVING THEM THE KEY

right now my mind seems perfectly split on whether or not I should waste time until i fall asleep, or go grab a bottle of pills and finish it off. there are times when it's too hard to distinguish if the sign you've been asking for is it simply feeling like the right time to do it. i'm continually disappointed in myself, and i'm continually disappointed in the way i've decided to act.

i'm supposed to go for an EEG on friday and on monday to see if these hallucinations have been mental issues or seizures. i'm sick of this feeling that i'm being continually pushed down by whatever fates are out there. maybe there is a certain point that it should just end. i'm entirely calm right now, partially sedated by the ativan i took earlier so i could stop hearing and seeing things.

what do i have in the house?
one .5 mg of ativan - won't do shit
tyenol extra-strength and tyenol 3's - won't do anything except kill my liver
gravol
seroquel
risperidone
buscopan
benylin
naproxen

i don't know if any of it will do what i want it to or just make me sleep.

i guess that's what the internet is for. decisions.

i think i'm not eating again.
i'm not really sure though. how do you know when you get sick again?

it's not constantly on my mind, plaguing every minute of every day.

but i don't eat anymore.

i've dropped 25 pounds since september. i'd like to lose another 15.

endometriosis is back. this should be fun.

i want to find out how long you believed in santa
i want to know what your favorite book is
i want to know the most romantic thing you've ever done

how you learned to ride a bike
what your happiest memory is
what the the biggest tragedy of your life was
how many times you've been in love

i want to find out how you dance
i want to find out if you're kinky
i want to find out if you have the same sick sense of humor that i do

i want you to meet my mom
and andrea
and michael
and maybe my brother

i want to be comfortable with your friends
i want to be friendly with your family
i want to slow dance in the middle of the living room on a tuesday for no reason
i want to celebrate something random with you
i want to be able to reveal every secret to you, one at a time over a long time

i never want to be taken advantage of
i never want to be hurt
i never want to remember something awful you said over and over
i never want to place expectations or ultimatiums again
i never want to make the same mistakes
i never want to be with someone that makes it easy for me to make the same mistakes

i need you to understand i'm broken in a lot of way
i need you to know that i can be intense and melodramatic
i need you to still like me when i'm sad
i need you to still tell me i'm beautiful when i'm not and really mean it

i just want to know i'm not crazy for feeling like this this fast.

it's funny that even after knowing that it's good that the past two and half years are really behind me, it doesn't stop me from feeling a sense of failure. I know it's not my fault, and yet I have a resounding sense that it is. I don't know if it's so programmed into me at this point, or that I'm just looking for any reason right now that I'm not a good person or whatever but I just want to get rid of this feeling because it's terrible and it never stops at one thing.

I gave my all to him. Absolutely everything. My heart, my soul, my self-esteem, my money, my secrets, my entire being. and I got so little in return. And I'm beating myself up over it for not seeing it earlier, or not staying in the same 'liberated' sense that I did. I'm scared that the new boy is going to end up doing the same thing, not because he's like that (a good friend of mine has known him for the past five years and assures me everything will turn out wonderfully), but I'm afraid that I make it too easy for others to take advantage of me because I give everything to post-pone rejection and abandonment. I wish that for once instead of being so observant and analytical of myself I could just let go and not notice, or actually do something to apply change. But I catch myself making the same mistakes again, expecting the same disappointments and running after things I don't have to run after yet.

The new boy, (who will from now on out will be referred to as B) is pretty much the sweetest thing ever. The first time I met him we stayed up until 5 a.m. talking about literature and books and everything else. The next time we met we stayed up until 6 a.m. talking about everything from abortion to serving to death to eating disorders. He thinks I'm insanely smart (which is the one thing I like hearing about myself the most but no one ever notices) and loves the fact that I read and have an extensive vocabulary. We can talk about Donne as easily as we can talk about Super Mario. He's weird just like me, and seems like he's already infatuated with me.

I just don't want to make the same mistakes. I want it to work this time, I don't want to look into the future, I don't want to get disappointed if he can't see me one night, i don't want to get jealous when I hear that he's hung out with a friend who happens to be a girl, I don't want to make excuses for him, I don't want to trap myself into something and most of all I don't want to be so deluded that I can't see someone is treating me like shit.

I want to focus more on work, and building a career and going to school and eating healthy and gaining friendships and having fun. Not just boys.