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Sep. 24th, 2008

(no subject)

my pap test came back with abnormal cells all over the place.

i might have cervical cancer. i've gotta get a bioposy and most likely will have to get part of my cervex removed.

i just...

i'm just so tired of life beating me down. it's not fair.

Sep. 22nd, 2008

(no subject)

it just gets worse and worse and worse.

i really need surgery to get rid of my endometriosis. i'm tired of having to go to the hospital to get an iv of morphiene for a bit of pain relief. i'm sick of having to take 9 pills a day just to function somewhat adequately. I'm tired of the percocet to take away the pain, the cymbalta to make me happy, and the maxeran to keep me from throwing up somewhere between 2 and   11 times a day. i'm tired of missing work and school and not being able to just function because my body won't let me anymore.

i always wonder if this is god getting me back for all the bullshit i put my body through.

i just want my life back. i really really do.

i just need someone to do the surgery. or $15,000 so i can go to the states and get it.

Aug. 23rd, 2008

(no subject)

ow ow ow holy shit ow

Aug. 21st, 2008

(no subject)

the endo is back. big time.

i'm sick about thirteen days a month now, sick meaning I'm not able to function the way a normal human being can. Every day I wake up feeling like puking, and most days I do. My doctor finally gave me a prescription for percocet (yes, I'm being very very careful), which takes out most of the pain but has the nasty effect of combing with my cymbalta to make me throw up, sometimes fifteen times a day. It's been bad to say the least. I'm still working as much as I can, trying to make some money. I'm living back at my mom's which is really nice 98% of the time. I'm trying to stay optimistic, keep my life going and my heart strong as long as I can, but it's so hard sometimes. There's days I just wake up and cry and pray to be back asleep where it doesn't hurt so much. It feels like a sledgehammer being thrown into me. I can't even begin to describe how terrible the pain is. But I have to keep fighting, have to keep searching. I'm trying acupunture now, which showed me a little relief. And I'm seeing my specialist on the 2nd, so hopefully that will bring something good...maybe another surgery?

sigh...

(also i bought a really sweet bong today)

Jul. 7th, 2008

(no subject)

the endo is so bad right now i want to rip out my ovaries. 

Mar. 21st, 2008

(no subject)

i started on cymbalta.

i'm have the nausea from hell.   

Mar. 19th, 2008

(no subject)

my grandpa died last night at 1:30 a.m. montreal time.

r.i.p.

Mar. 9th, 2008

(no subject)

i'm trying to live by the old rule of if you don't know, don't do anything. i'm really debating about checking myself in for awhile, trying to figure out everything that's going on and how to fix it, maybe try some medication. i'm sick of feeling like this all the time, but i'm afraid of just postponing the sadness, becuase i know it will come back.

a few months ago I was thinking that maybe all the stuff i went through in my teens was largely based on hormones, not a genetic fuck up. and i don't know if i believew any different, because as misreble as i used to be, i never really thought i fit the prototype for depression. i thought i had bits and pieces of it, but more or less it was a result of other things going on. for the first time, i feel like i'm the middle of a lengthy depression. i'm apathetic, i'm tired, i don't want to function, i just don't give a shit anymore, i have no appetite, i have no humor,i have no delight or happiness or fun.

i don't know...i know that it's probably the best thing for me right now, but i'm afraid of the consequences it will bring. i'm afraid that i'll be in there too long or too short or it won't be as helpful as i'm hoping. i don't know...i don't know...  

Mar. 6th, 2008

(no subject)

apparently nothing will kill me. i think i'm superwoman. 

(no subject)

sorry. i couldn't hold on anymore. i just took a bottle of pills and some ativan.

i wish you better luck than i had

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